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ex0skeletal:

Fun shark attack facts:

  • In 1996, toilets injured 43,000 Americans a year. Sharks injured 13.
  • In 1996, 2,600 Americans were injured by room fresheners. Sharks injured 13.
  • In 1996, buckets and pails injured almost 11,000 Americans. Sharks injured 13.
  • For every human killed by a shark, humans kill approximately two million sharks.

Conclusions:

  1. Humans are assholes.
  2. Sharks are not assholes.
  3. Apparently everyone in 1996 lived in a real-life infomercial.
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  • 1 day ago
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If My Dog Could Talk

  • Dog:WAT DOING
  • Me:Nothing. I just stood up.
  • Dog:WHERE GO
  • Me:I'm literally walking 3 feet away. I'm not even leaving the room.
  • Dog:CAN I COME
  • Me:I mean sure but I'm literally just-
  • Dog:I COME TOO
  • Dog:WAT DOING
  • Me:I need to open this door.
  • Dog:I HALP
  • Me:No but you're in front of the door. Move please.
  • Dog:I HALP
  • Me:Sigh.
  • Dog:WHERE GOING
  • Me:I am going right back to the exact place I was sitting a second ago.
  • Dog:CAN I COME
  • Me:Sure.
  • Dog:I SIT IN LAP
  • Me:No please don't you are-
  • Dog:I SIT IN LAP
  • Me:No there's no room and-
  • Dog:LAP
  • Me:No, sit on the floor and I'll pet you.
  • Dog:RIGHT HERE
  • Me:That's literally on top of my leg.
  • Dog:IT'S PERFECT PET ME
  • Me:I am petting you. One second, let me just grab my glass-
  • Dog:PET ME PET ME PET ME PET ME
  • Me:I literally am petting you, I just needed a drink-
  • Dog:PET ME PET ME PET ME PET ME
  • Me:I AM
  • Dog:I SIT IN LAP
  • Dog:PET ME PET ME PET ME
  • Dog:HOLD SLOBBER TOY
  • Dog:SNEEZE IN UR FACE
  • Me:.......
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taxicar:

if u snapchat me expecting me to look cute i have bad news for u 

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seedy:

what do u mean “4 minute shower” it takes me 4 minutes to get the water to the right temperature smh

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